bittersweetness

I wish the fandom was smaller.

There. I said it.

I don’t wish the boys hadn’t reached the heights they have, or hadn’t embraced their successes or personal artistic endeavours the way they have, or not done the important things to them. I want all that to have happened.

I just wish the fandom was smaller.

Naturally, that would be impossible, which is why I know this is a stupid sort of wish, but it’s still there, all the same.

Look, I’ve been ARMY since 2016. Twenty-goddamn-sixteen. I’ve been there when they were the underdogs and I’m still here, when six out of seven members are doing compulsory service and they’re still the biggest kpop band on the planet. 

There used to be a time when it was hard to come across a BTS sasaeng, but now…now I’m hesitant to even introduce myself as ARMY, because there’s a 90% chance you’ll meet one straight off the bat. It’s because of the fandom. Not the boys — never the boys — but the fandom. We’ve got maniacs on twxtter picking fights with other groups for no reason, complete delulus who can’t even keep their shipping to themselves*, rich bitches who think that a $350 photocard makes them a better ARMY than someone who can’t afford that in their dreams, and on and on and on.

Hard truth: yeah, I’m embarrassed to call myself an ARMY publicly, but it’s not because of the boys I love. It’s because of the other people who claim to love them, and then act like this. I have ARMY tattooed indelibly on my heart, but I’m not sure other people do. Or care.

I know how stupid and elitist this sounds, and how indulgent. “Oh, it was better back when~” I do get that. But it used to be about love, not clout or dizzy-minded obsession, and I miss that. I fucking miss it. The love and laughter and creativity and the seven knots in purple thread around so many wrists.

I miss that, terribly.

* look, I know — shipping is going to happen, and I’m not saying you’re a bad person for enjoying it — unless you do so publicly. Keep that shit within a locked community. Prancing around openly declaring that you’re SO sure that Jimin and Yoongi are totes sekritly in love is so, so gross. If you wouldn’t ship random people you know in real life together openly (no, I don’t mean playing matchmaker or gently hinting over coffee that maybe X might catch your eye, Y? …OBVIOUSLY), don’t do it to the boys you claim to love or respect. It’s fucking gross.

The Astronaut (“singlation”)

You and me, a neverending history
You’re the universe that holds the world to me

Like a shooting star without a home to call its own
I was aimless, drifting, falling on my own
Every dream I found in the darkness around me
Was written into our story

When I’m with you
There is no one else
And I get heaven to myself
When I’m with you
There is no one else
I feel this way I’ve never felt

You and me, like a star that’s never unshining
I want to be your dream, to travel your world within

Just like the Milky Way is a road of silver in the sky
You were shining like that, there before my eyes
The only light I found in the darkness around me
Towards that path of you and me

When I’m with you
There is no one else
And I get heaven to myself
When I’m with you
There is no one else
I feel this way I’ve never felt

I feel this way I’ve never felt
(Oh~)

When I’m with you
There is no one else
And I get heaven to myself
When I’m with you
There is no one else

A life
A sparkle in your eyes
Heaven coming through

And I love you
And I love you

(Oh~)

a release for my birthday!

The only other musicians who have done that have been BUMP…who I really got into the same time as BTS, as you’d have it…aahh, synchronicities. ♥

Kim Taehyung has the most versatile honey voice in all of kpop. I will die on this hill, and if you dispute this, you will very sadly be wrong. I don’t make the rules!

(This also hits where it hurts, but shhh. Not on this blog~)

Sigh. I miss them all so much. Even if the fandom isn’t half of what it was at their “peak”, I can’t wait to have them back. It might even be nice to be the underdog fandom once again. 2018 was so magical.

Regarding peaks, no. I don’t think they’ve reached it, yet, and I don’t think their biggest successes have necessarily been the boys at their best, either — not that they’ve ever been lacking remotely, mind you! — but as they tell us — the best is yet to come. After they’ve finished their service, nothing would make me happier than to have them all feel like they can flourish freely in their own chosen spheres of music and artistry, and when they come together as a unit again, I want to hear what each individual member brings to the group. Because it will be, doubtlessly, spectacular. I can’t wait to hear it.

네 온기 잊지 않아
겨울의 꽃이 되어 춤추는 별이 되어
I will be by your side
피어나길 바래

I will wait for you.
I am always with you, too.

…you…think they…WHAT?

solo stans are fucking terrifying. i don’t mean “people who aren’t into BTS as a whole but enjoy $MEMBER_NAME’s solo work”; those people are fine, valid, and normal, or even people who have a bias (i mean, hi? Joonie fangirl here, forever and always). i mean these psychotic weirdass fuckers on twxtter who think that their oppars would even give them the time of day if they heard the way they talked about their bandmates. like, admittedly these people all share a single braincell and lack both literacy and reading comprehension, but fucking still. they are so, so desperate to believe (or convince other people) that the members all hate each other, when it’s like…have you…not watched one goddamn interview with your preferred member? ever? at all? they all have matching tattoos, ffs. these goddamn creepy solo sasaengs are worse than the worst-behaved ARMY on the planet, and anyone who’s spent three minutes talking Bangtan (or just kpop) with me knows how very little time i have for misbehaving ARMY.

yeah, it’s a sweary entry about my damn kpop boy group. that’s the best i can do at the moment, sorry.
also the solos really, really give me the heebie-fucking-jeebies in big heaps.

endless chasing

song of the day: “Closer”, RM (w/ Paul Blanco and Mahalia). very chill and smooth shade of blue off of his latest, Indigo, which i’m finally getting around to listening to. first thoughts? it’s not as instant a love as mono. was for me, but it’s damn good all the same. i know joonie said it was “10 Blues” in the liner notes & box art, but really, it’s a much wider palette than his previous record, and has a kind of…tanginess? (synæsthesia is gonna be the death of me)…that was present in RM, but isn’t exactly the same kind of taste, as such, either. love love love to hear his singing voice, too, which only improves the more and more he uses it ♥ (don’t be afraid of singing, you beautiful coffee-smooth baritone, you!)

tonight I don’t wanna be sober

i’m finally in an okay enough headspace to listen to kpop that isn’t only very recent MAMAMOO tracks (long story, i might explain in a separate entry) and i’m digging into Mochimin’s first solo offering, “FACE”, and…i’m only up to “Like Crazy” and my jaw’s already on the fwcking floor. there is so much…like…jagged, black-silk-elegance to it? it’s like throwing back a shot of the most expensive vodka you’ve ever had, and then walking out into the city night with your jaw set. i just. holy shit, Jiminie. holy shit. it’s like…”Lie” from Wings seen through a black glass. and yes, my synaesthesia is going mad right now.

(also, i’ll say it: Park Jimin has a very strange voice. does this mean it isn’t astonishingly holographically beautiful? not even. not even one bit.)